A Beautiful Moment |
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When I first started my IVF cycle, I blogged that I “was one of those naïve people who believed that IVF would work on the first attempt.” And I was right. If only for a moment.
During the two week wait, my husband and I took a much needed vacation to a beach to escape the winter chill and the whole infertility process. My IVF cycle was much easier than I expected physically but emotionally, I was tired. During our two week wait, we enjoyed each other’s company and tried to think about life before infertility consumed our daily thoughts. We overate delicious foods, munched on ice cream sundaes and lied on the beach reading our books. My body and mind felt very much relaxed. As test day drew closer, I felt my body for any noticeable changes. Aside from a little weight gain (most likely due to multiple chocolate sundaes), I felt the same. I did have the occasional twinge in my belly but I wasn’t sure if that was from the procedure or as my husband said “it’s probably just in your head.” It’s true. Infertiles can feel every fake pregnancy symptom there is. But I did feel twinges and it was a great feeling. On the day of my expected period, I woke up with a familiar spotting that usually meant that Auntie Flow was on her way. Tears began and the heavy heart started. I couldn’t believe that it didn’t work. When the doctor puts a sperm right into the egg and then right into my uterus, rationally it should all work. All the pieces of the puzzle were there. Holding onto the last shred of hope, my husband wanted to test anyways. “We could still be pregnant.” He said. “Maybe it’s just implantation bleeding.” I hate taking pregnancy tests, simply because they always come back negative but to humor him, I peed on the stick anyways. POSITIVE. Two lines. WHAT??? I could not believe it. I was pregnant? I had never seen two lines before. We were pregnant! The spotting that had started earlier declined throughout of the day. No menstrual cycle, just beautiful brown implantation bleeding! During my first pregnant day, we both kept a ridiculous smile planted on our lips, and started to imagine how we would tell our families the good news. It was a beautiful moment. I lightly spotted for next two days but woke up on the third day with mild cramps and a heavier red flow with unusual clots. We were concerned. Red bleeding is not usually a good sign. Since we were out of town, we couldn’t do a blood test until we got home so we tested ourselves again after two days of bleeding. I peed again on the stick. Positive. Two lines. What does that mean? Am I still pregnant? The results made us cautiously happy and the bleeding subsided but I spent the next week wondering- am I still pregnant or wasn’t I? The twinges in my belly were still around, saying their hellos every once and awhile and my temperature was still high. During that week, I had no idea if I was still pregnant or not. One day, I would feel like I was and the next day, I was convinced I wasn’t. By the time we arrived home, we were convinced we were pregnant. But the pregnancy test said otherwise. Negative. Chemical pregnancy. Early miscarriage. A beautiful moment of pregnancy and then it disappeared as fast as it came. But aside from the sadness, we were happy that it meant we could actually get pregnant. So I let infertility beat me down for a couple of days, then I got up and moved forward. When infertility knocks us down, we take a deep breath, wipe away some tears and move forward to the next month of hope. After all, we had four frozen embryos waiting for us, and a feeling of hope that next month or the month after that will be our turn. Our journey towards parenthood is still only the beginning. Comments (13)
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... what an experience and a crazy rollercoaster ride! Im' so sorry with the outcome. You have a strong spirit and a good outlook. Just wanted to send some **hugs** your way! |
Lisa Stark
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... Hi Naomi - I know how heartbreaking this is as I suffered two chemical pregnancies before finally conceiving and ultimately delivering healthy twins. This is indeed a great sign that you can get pregnant. Here is hoping that the next one sticks. If you have any questions or need a second opinion, visit www.haveababy.com. Our docs give free advice and will answer your questions within a few hours. |
TTC_Queen
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... Wow, what a roller coaster of emotions. I truly hope that your next BFP sticks around for 40 weeks |
Mommy in the Making
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... I'm so sorry you had to go through that false hope, but I'm also glad that it's a good sign for future cycles. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! |
APlusB
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... Naomi - That was a beautiful post. I'm so sorry the pregnancy did not stick. Hoping beyond hope that next time will be a success! |
Wendie Wilson
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... The entire staff of Gifted Journeys is thinking of you as you continue on your journey towards family. People like you who share make the journey less intimidating for those only beginning down the path. Thanks for putting your heart out there  |
InfertileNaomi
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... Thanks everyone for your kind wishes. Infertility is about being disappointed and then moving forward again to hope. I will always have hope because I will be a mother one day. Time to thaw out those freezer babies and start again!  |
Cathy
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... Oh you! I seriously heart you. Infertility sucks. It makes me angrier every time I think about it, because I am always amazed at the ones who it effects - those who already have the makings of being a beautiful parent. Your strength amazes me and encourages me. My fingers and toes are crossed for you, and I'm saying prayers for you and your little frozen babies. |
Angel864
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... Thank you for sharing the news. I feel so heartbroken for you. Please keep your chin up. I'm still rooting for you. Much love your way. |
Tiffany
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... You are so amazing and such an insiration. My heart is with you and we are all behind you. You have such a beautiful spirit and outlook. I look forward to the excitement to come for next month! |
Melissa E
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Hang in there! I just wanted to let you know, that's pretty much how my first IVF went also, although I took 2 blood test over a 3 week period that came out positive levels multiplying, but misscarried soon after the 2nd blood test. I read your story and saw myself in every word. Our first IVF was done with frozen eggs, and we are patiently awaiting our 2nd IVF with frozen eggs. You are right though, I thought I would be an emotional wreck and unable to function. But it is sooo true that you pick yourself up,dust yourself off, wipe away the tears and try, try again! I Pray that your next cycle of IVF is successful! We have 15 frozen eggs waiting on us, and I can't wait to get to know my future children  |
