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If you have been following along, you know that I am at the crossroads in my fertility journey. Plan A hasn’t been working, and it’s time to go to Plan B. What does Plan B look like? That’s the big question. I don’t think I can tell you what it is yet. And, I’m not sure if I’m going to.
I never expected to have my conception journey chronicled. In fact, I never dreamed that it just wouldn’t happen. Yet, here I am. What challenges me the most about publicly blogging is sharing the disappointment. Being the overachiever that I am, my life has been about being the top in my class, best at my job and closet perfectionist. However, in the primary womanly function of reproduction, I am a disappointment. I look at my parents sometimes and wonder how they are able to deal with it. I am an only child, so there are no siblings to fill the grandchildren void. During my last IVF cycle, my dad acknowledged that I have truly been going through hell. Despite his comforting words, I still feel like I never delivered on the one thing that matters. Twelve years have passed [between the two husbands] and I still have no baby in my arms. When I had to write about the result about my last failed cycle, I could hear the collective sigh from everyone, the universal disappointment. So here’s where I ask what my followers, friends and family would like me to do. Do you want me to keep taking you on this rollercoaster ride? Being a part of the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs. Or, would you rather just wait until I can make that announcement that will bring universal joy? Even though infertility is a widespread problem, there thankfully is a vast majority out there who will never have to personally experience it. I started blogging to bring it out of the closet and to educate others on this problem that devastates couples. Transparency, however, is still not a concept that everyone is comfortable with. I am sure I have some friends who have read my posts and thought TMI [Too Much Information]. Blogging about it does make me feel better, except for those days I have bad news to deliver. I like that I have a forum where people can find out what happens without asking me. But I might as well just keep a diary if this path is too hard for others to walk on with me…so let me know via comments, emails, Facebook posts. What do you think? Do you want to keep hearing the story as it unfolds? Comments (8)
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Your blog 2/11/2010 Hello Vanessa, As a former IVF patient, I want you to know that I can relate to your experience and hope that you will continue to share your journey with those of us out here who wish you nothing but the best of luck on your path to motherhood.  |
KJH
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... Sweetie, I care about what's going on in your life regardless of what it is. I know you have a lot of high expectations of yourself, and you feel those from others too (whether your perception matches theirs is a tough question, of course, but if you feel it it's real to you). From me, though, without disparaging your feelings in the slightest, I can tell you that there is nothing about you that will change if you have a child (in whatever way you choose) or you don't. A child is connected to you, but it's a separate being, and the presence or absence of a child does not make you more or less valuable, at least to me. I fully respect your perspective on it, and I don't expect my words to change how you feel, but I wanted you to know what I see from my side. And you *know* about me and TMI. :-D This isn't even close to my edge. I'll also point out that reading your words is voluntary for all of us - no one is being forced to come here and share your pain and sadness. I appreciate the awareness that's causing you to ask people how they feel, and I'm sure there's a range of responses, but personally I support your need to say what is true for you, and other people can elect to share in that or not. *HUG* -K |
Ada G
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Your Journey I think you have been an inspirational voice for many on this path and the decisions surrounding fertility. Your choosing to be that voice takes strength, courage and openness. You provide hope and at the same time, help acknowledge that we cannot always control every outcome in our lives. I would like to see the blog continue as you discover and explore Plan B. I think your journey and voice are extremely important. |
Stephanie Fry
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... Hi Vanessa, I'm so sorry about your long journey. As a self proclaimed 'over achiever' I really relate to your feelings of disappointment. I think you should keep blogging if it is helpful to you. Personally, I think writing about what you are feeling is a great release so I hope you don't mind if I offer some advice... At one point in my IVF career I decided to write out a description of what the next few years of my life would look like if I, a) continued cycling, b) moved on to adoption or c) decided to try child free living. The exercise helped me to move forward and was a great way to flush out some things I didn't know I was feeling. Of course your a,b,c options may not be the same as mine but whatever they are maybe they will make for some interesting posts.  Best of luck with what I know is a very difficult decision. Stephanie |
Good Egg
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... This post resonated with me. I have repeatedly told my mother that I was sorry for not being able to deal with my relationship problems earlier. It may or may not have made a difference. And that I am sorry that I may not succeed in giving them a grandchild. I have a brother but let's just say that there aren't any high hopes for him to do much in the grandchild department. So I understand. You are not alone. My Plan B hasn't arrived yet either. I've thought about the options but there isn't any use in talking about them with my husband because he doesn't seem very interested. I wish you luck and a happy future. |
fertilitychick
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... I want to stay on this ride from you and hope that if you want, you will keep blogging about this journey and all of the good, bad, and ugly. I admire you for your honesty, your transperancy, and for all of the ways that your writing resonates with me. You words about being an only child really hit me - I am one too. I hope to be able to keep following your journey - no matter where Plan B takes you. |
Tiffany
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... I know I'm a nobody out here in the infertility world but if it makes any difference I'd like you to know what an inspiration you have been and you continue to be! I think you are the exact opposite of a "dissapointment" and I couldn't give you more praise for what you've done. If you choose to stop blogging I completely understand. Just want you to know you'll still be in my "conceive" prayers! |
VFriske
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... Thank you all for taking the time to give me the hope and encouragement to move forward on this path. It looks like next week it will be the announcement of the next step. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, I wish for everyone to stay peaceful during this crazy journey. |
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