Whether you’ve been trying to conceive for a few months or a few years, chances are at some point you’ve felt stressed out about it. Well, in this case laughter really might be the best medicine.
Every time Erin Miserlis of San Diego, California, drove her husband’s sperm sample to their fertility clinic to undergo another artificial insemination procedure, a stream of bizarre thoughts ran through her head. “I’d look at it thinking, ‘Good God, is this going to be my kid? And what if I get pulled over? What do I tell the cop—I’m in a hurry because I’ve got my future child next to me?’ These are the things that are so ridiculous you can only laugh at them.”
Laughter helped Miserlis cope with the stress of five long years of fertility treatments. (She ultimately conceived her two children naturally and is now writing a book about her sometimes-humorous journey.) But you don’t have to have been trying for years to be stressed out about babymaking. Even a few months without success can take its toll. As hard as it may be to find humor in something that really isn’t funny, experts say it could actually help.
“I really do believe that [humor] is one of many healthy, affordable ways to cope with all the stress,” says Alison Wilson, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver. Not being able to get pregnant when you want to can be a very distressing time, “and throwing a little humor in there can be so beneficial.”
Think about it—it’s pretty hard to feel sad or angry while you’re laughing, right? Laughter can also relax the body and release endorphins, quite helpful during a process that can be far from relaxing.
“A lot of times the indignities involved with the procedures and the expectations get so extreme,” says licensed psychologist Janice Pimentel, Psy.D., who counsels patients struggling with fertility issues in the Jacksonville, Florida, area. “Sarcasm and humor can be very useful in relieving stress and acknowledging that you are responding in a normal way to a crazy situation, as opposed to being crazy yourself.”
Using humor to deal with the stress of infertility might even make a difference in the outcome. A 2002 study in Australia found that women who use humor as a coping mechanism seem to have a better chance of getting pregnant through in vitro fertilization (IVF).
No one is suggesting you start making up knock-knock (knocked-up?!) jokes about trying to get pregnant. All you need to lighten things up is to learn how to step back from the situation and realize how absurd it is.
For example, how ridiculous is it to have to excuse yourself from dinner
at a nice restaurant to go in the bathroom and take a shot to stimulate your ovaries? Or to call your husband at work and tell him he’d better get home immediately because you’re about to ovulate and it’s time to do the baby dance? It’s hard to laugh about the fact that the money you’ve spent on unsuccessful IVF treatments could have scored you a brand-new Lexus. . . but laughing about it might make you feel just a little bit better.
“[People say] that there’s nothing funny about infertility,” says Linda Applegarth, Ed.D, director of psychological services at the Perelman-Cohen Center for Reproductive Medicine and Infertility at the Weill Cornell Medical College in New York City. “I think that’s a myth. I think there are a lot of things that are funny about infertility.” Applegarth is quick to add, “That in no way takes away from how serious it is and how painful the experience is.”
The ability to laugh together during the tough times can have lasting benefits for couples. “I think in a marriage it’s so important to have a sense of humor to get through struggles and difficult times, no matter what the situation is,” says Michelle Kaplan, LCSW, who leads a support group for women dealing with fertility issues in Atlanta, Georgia.
Obviously, no matter where you are on the road to starting a family, there are times when humor may not be appropriate or well-received. And there may be times when your husband wants to laugh about something that you’re not ready to stop crying about, or vice versa. Wilson says couples need to be careful. “I would hope the wife would see he’s trying to cope or make light of it to make himself feel better, but often she can interpret it as his being jealous or not caring.”
To prevent misunderstandings, it’s a good idea to make sure you and your partner are on the same page before you start cracking jokes. Pimentel suggests putting out a feeler to see if humor is welcome or not. “Maybe make a small observation... about how insane this particular period was or how silly whatever [you’re] doing seems and look for the reaction. If the other individual cracks a smile or the eyes wrinkle up, you get the sense that they’re seeing the absurdity, too, and they’re getting it.”
As helpful as humor may be in dealing with the stress of trying to get pregnant, it’s certainly not the only coping mechanism out there. Counseling, meditation, guided imagery, and yoga can also help you during this challenging time. But there’s nothing like letting out a big laugh to take away some of your pain—plus it’s free, easy, and available just about everywhere.
A version of this article originally appeared in the Spring 2010 issue of Conceive.
