You’ve only been trying for a few months, but you’re already starting to get annoyed rather than excited when you see a pregnant woman. Or you’ve been trying a lot longer. . . and you can’t even bear to look. Here’s how to get over it until it’s your turn.
Once the decision has been made to start a family, couples are sure to feel joy, elation, excitement, and eager anticipation for the baby-yet-to-be. But as weeks and then months fly by and the pregnancy test results are still negative, other emotions may arise–like uncertainty, worry, anger, frustration, disappointment. And don’t forget envy. Yes, envy. Many women trying to conceive aren’t above turning a bit green whenever a pregnant woman or a new mom strolls by.
“It’s not fully jealousy,” explains Marie Davidson, Ph.D., staff counselor at Fertility Centers of Illinois. “It’s a mixture of shame, surprise, and disappointment in one’s self.”
Becky Fawcett, a New York City adoptive mom of a 4-year-old son, knows the feeling well. “I’ve always been the type of person who accomplished what I set out to do,” she explains. Getting pregnant couldn’t be that hard, she figured—but it was for her. And when her younger brother and his wife became pregnant after Becky had been trying for more than a year, she remembers feeling envious. “I was older,” Fawcett says. “I was supposed to become pregnant first.” It helped that her brother was sensitive to her feelings. “When I went to see their baby at the hospital, he was beyond appreciative,” she remembers.
Jamie Bates-Winfield, a Virginia middle-school teacher, only tried for two months before becoming pregnant, but during that time she says she also felt envy. “There was definitely a green-eyed monster that came out when I saw someone on Facebook announcing they were expecting,” she says. “That was the worst part of waiting, seeing someone else achieve the only thing I wanted at the time.”
The guilt-envy cycle
While you’re trying to conceive, you might not only feel envious of someone else’s pregnancy, you might also feel guilty about that envy. “There’s a sense of guilt that goes along with feelings of envy toward another’s joy,” says Suzanne Kavic, M.D., director of reproductive endocrinology and infertility services at Loyola University Health System near Chicago.
So how do you escape these feelings? First, realize that feeling envious doesn’t make you an ogre. “It’s a perfectly natural emotion,” says Dr. Kavic. Just because you feel jealous doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Be honest about your feelings, though, and talk about them with someone you trust. Just don’t obsess over them, cautions Dr. Kavic. “It can lead to depression.”
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I would not call it envy but anger at the many woman around me who have no desire to be pregnant but they all seem to be getting pregnant!!! I am the one trying to hard and doing everything right and it is so hard to see then complain about being pregnant or worse having abortions when my husband and I so desperately want a baby. Why can they not misscarry their pregnancies and we keep ours?????????????????
I feel the same. In my home town teen girls are having babies left and right. I had a misscariage and when I see little girls as far along as I should be uuuuhhh I go through so many feelings!!
I would never wish a miscarriage upon ANYBODY. Not even my worst enemy. It is the hardest thing I have ever faced. In fact, I still face it, and have had a baby since then. It's just not something you ever get over. However, I am trying to concieve right now, and have not had any luck in the past couple months. & I know the feeling of jealousy or envy I get when I see somebody who is pregnant. & I am just trying to remember to keep a postive attitude, and reassure myself that it will happen when God wants it to. But it is frustrating when you can't make your body do the things you want it to do. But trust in yourself and god and it will happen.
My husband and I have been trying for 21 months now!!!! :( In that time I know probably 10 or more people has become pregnant including my sister and sister in law!!!! It is soo hard and I get angry, mad, hurt, and kinds of other feelings at that person that has become pregnant. I know everyone is entitled to have children and have as many as they would like BUT I feel lke EVERYONE is getting pregnant around me! Not only that but also having to go to the fertility doctor and taking all those meds.. Its hard and NO ONE knows how it feels unless they have been through this! ITS TOUGH!!!!
I appreciate your advice, as we are working on beginning our own family. I just want to tell you about an alternative means to childbirth, I’m not talking about surrogacy, I was married for 6years,i couldn’t get pregnant, tried all available means until I saw a testimony about a tradomedicalist online who helped a woman who was in the same shoe as me, he responded, to cut the long story short, I conceived about 3 weeks after hooking up with him, all for an affordable amount.
I just went thorugh my SIL's entire pregnancy and it was soo hard, I felt such envy it hurt, I have been trying almost 2 years now and feel as though it will never happen for me. than I feel guilty for beign envious of someone elses special time. I definately feel depressed and even suicidal at times its been a roller coaster and I pray every day that soon it will be my turn.
I'm engaged to be married to the man of my dreams but I can't help the thought of wanting kids now. My body is telling me I'm ready but my wallet says otherwise. I've spoken to my fiancé about my feelings and we have agreed to wait but I can't stop feeling this way. It's bothering our sex life and my social life. I have other friends, younger than myself, not married or engaged and they're all having children or becomIng Pregnant. They don't even want children and they're in worse financial situations than I'm in. Then I get teased about why I don't just pop one out already. It makes my cry so much, I feel like I'm going crazy. I've had ideas in my head about even tricking my fiancé, I hate secrets and I don't even know why this thoughts are in my head but they make me feel even more terrible. I've told my fiancé about all my thoughts and feelings and although he wants nothing more than to make me happy I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
Please help me
When my husband and I decided that we would commit to eachother, I was sooo ready to have his baby that i felt wayy too anxious about it...but we both had to understand that he was not ready(he was not finished his school yet) and that it was more of a money thing in the beginning; we were 27 and 28...I am now 40, hes 42, and we never once concieved...you dont know how hard its been to just except the fact that maybe it just wasnt in the cards for us, and it threw me into a depression I have never experienced before. And now my husband is ready, but I no longer feel I really want one in my 40's, considering all of the defects that can happen and I am not really wanting to look after a defected child(sorry, but this is how I feel)...It really angers me still when I see young people having kids left, right and center and ( well if you knew where i was speaking of) not take care of them or give them the kind of life they need. I can't relate to people at get group togethers because pretty much everyone has kids of their own and I find conversations awkward. I have people in my own community still asking me when we are going to have kids of our own which makes it difficult to answer as the years go by b/c I am in my 40's now...If I didnt love him so much i probably would have just left him, but how do I know its me that the problem lies? Yes I know that there are tests that can help, but if you can't afford a child, why get pregnant in the first place? See I am still struggling with this...The funny thing is that when I was a kid, I swore to myself I would never have kids...I guess I fulfilled my own prophesy...Im just saying it realy, really, really sucks. I feel almost non-human
It is SOOOO nice to see so many other women experiencing the exact same feelings as me! It is such a lonely road to be on when everyone in my life seems to easily get pregnant and I do not. And what's worse is that you can't really talk to anyone about the jealousy and anger because they don't get it...and nothing anyone says is helpful in the least. When a pregnant friend was texting me the other day to complain about how she can't wait to "get her body back" I honestly just wanted to slap her. It's not her fault, she doesn't understand what that does to me and (as someone said above) I would take her place in a heartbeat.