Growing from a couple into a family is a big transition, and while it’s mostly a joyous change, there can be stresses.
Preparing your relationship now will pave the way for an easier family life—and happier marriage—later.
Anyone with kids will tell you that once two becomes three, everything changes. Yet many couples take this step with barely a nod to how a new baby will affect their relationship. There are classes to coach you on childbirth, and ones to teach you infant care, but little to tutor you on your personal shift to parenthood. But just like the birth of your baby, this event is both ordinary--because it happens every day--and miraculous, because it profoundly alters your life. Pave the way now for a smooth transition, by preparing yourselves for the changes ahead.
Share Your Stories. . .
Babies link the generations in a magical way, providing you with the chance to breathe life into your own best memories. But first you need to become aware of your own personal history, and how it has molded you. When you and your spouse share your stories, you gain insight into yourselves and one another. This lets you consciously create a vision for your own family including the treasure of beloved memories, but allows you to leave other memories behind.
Some people from challenging family backgrounds may think they can simply decide, “Whatever my parents did, I’ll just do the opposite.” But the problem is that this type of parenting is reactive—it moves you away from where you came from, but leaves you with no map to guide you. Sharing your personal history allows you to gain clarity, not only about where you’ve been but, more importantly, where you want to go.
. . .And Your Expectations
The next step is to see how your own dreams, and those of your husband, can fit together. Start by looking at the templates of your childhood, and see how they compare with the lifestyle you want for your family. Do you want a more traditional household, where you will have the role of a stay-at-home mother like your own mother? Do you envision this on a short- or long-term basis? Does your husband agree with you, or does he envision an egalitarian family, where both of you work outside the home and share parenting and household responsibilities equally? What are the social and financial implications of these choices? Explore your answers to these and other questions with the goal of finding common ground.
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If you choose to be a two-income family, it helps to make a list of childcare and household tasks, and then talk about who prefers to do what before assigning chores. Remember to stay flexible and make changes as necessary. For example, when Michelle and Jonathan originally made their lists, Michelle agreed to clean up after dinner, while Jonathan chose to do the laundry. Soon, however, the couple discovered that since Michelle was nursing the baby after dinner, it would be easier if she could leave the kitchen duties to her husband. So they switched. This kind of teamwork happens when you both agree to talk about what’s working, as well as what needs changing.
Making the Transition
Today about 70 percent of women with children under the age of 6 work outside the home. Women who had previously been working full-time make this transition either by taking maternity leave, or by ending their employment for a set period of time. During this at-home period, tasks are divided in a more transitional style, and women may take on more household jobs while they’re at home.
While this is a common scenario for many families, it helps to be mindful of some possible pitfalls. It’s not unusual for some women, for example, especially those who are well-entrenched in the working world, to experience “culture shock” when they first find themselves at home. Leaving the structure of a job, with its tangible rewards and social support, and entering a miniature universe of you and the demands of a new baby can be bewildering.
“I felt so lonely and isolated during those first few weeks,” says Jenny, whose daughter Amanda is about ready to start kindergarten. “I often wondered if my husband noticed, or if he felt my eyes boring into his back when he headed off to work in the mornings. Don’t get me wrong—I love being a mother. But there were so many new responsibilities that I often felt unsure of myself and out of touch with the rest of the world.” Fortunately, Jenny talked to her husband, and they made some changes. “Even being able to have lunch once a week with a few friends made an enormous difference,” she says.
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