Online social communities and message-board sites are terrific for providing encouragement, support, and a sympathetic ear at any hour. But for some women, the boards can become more of an addiction than a solution.
When Zoe Cohen was undergoing fertility treatment, she visited online forums for women who were also facing reproductive immunology problems. “It was so great to connect with people who knew exactly what you were going through,” says Cohen, an Oakland, California, acupuncturist who now has 2-year-old twins.
Still, at times Cohen felt she was spending too much time on the forums, following other women’s sagas and seeking input about her own treatment. “It’s addictive, like a soap opera,” says Cohen. “I probably wasted many hours that could have been better spent doing yoga.”
It’s not just reproductive technology that has changed how women conceive. Information technology, in the form of online fertility boards, has also had a huge impact on the treatments and clinics women choose, and the way they cope with setbacks and celebrate successes. These days, 24/7 and with the benefit of anonymity, you can link up with women in the same boat, whether it’s surrogacy in India, hot flashes from Clomid, or a husband who thinks you’re obsessed with getting pregnant.
“Infertility can be very isolating, so online forums give people the opportunity, no matter where they live, to feel less alone,” says Sharon Covington, MSW, director of psychological support services at the Shady Grove Fertility Reproductive Science Center in Rockville, Maryland. “When you’re anonymous, it’s easier to bare your soul. But it can become very difficult to establish limits.”
How Forums Can Help
In addition to moral support, women can also get validation online for feelings of anger or jealousy that may arise when, for instance, they’re invited to a baby shower. “If you’re having a rough time, you feel less crazy, less like a bad person,” says New York City psychologist Joann Paley Galst, Ph.D., co-director of support services for the American Fertility Association.
Online boards can also validate the physical symptoms you might experience from fertility treatments. “The clinics give you a thumbnail about side effects that might occur, but the nurses and doctors haven’t taken the drugs themselves,” says Marna Gatlin of Portland, Oregon, founder of Parents Via Egg Donation, and list owner and moderator of its online forum.
Yet experts caution that spending too much time online can backfire. “I’ve had women ask if I could cancel their accounts because they were ignoring their children,” says Nancy Hemenway, executive director of INCIID, The InterNational Council on Infertility Information Dissemination, which operates several forums.
Excessive use can actually make women feel more isolated by leading them to withdraw from friends and family. “You can begin to find that your whole life is revolving around searching out this information,” Covington says. While online forums can take pressure off your partner by offering another outlet for support, “they can also consume you in a way that can damage your marriage,” says Cynthia Whitaker, LCSW, a counselor who works with fertility specialists at Greenville Hospital System University Medical Center in Greenville, South Carolina. “Many times the husband feels like just a sperm donor; spending too much time online may alienate him further.”
Controlling Forum Addiction
If you feel you’re teetering toward message board addiction, try to set limits. “Go online only at certain times,” Galst advises. Get the e-mails in digest form so you’re not bombarded with messages several dozen times a day.
Don’t put too much stock in any one story, good or bad. “Reading other people’s horror stories can get you in a mind-set of paranoia,” says Anne Rogers of Los Angeles, who visited several forums while undergoing IVF. “As time went on, I learned to take things with a grain of salt.”
If you’re seeking medical information, join a forum moderated by a physician, and triple-check the information with reliable medical websites and your own ob/gyn or reproductive endocrinologist. To keep your experience positive, consider balancing your online involvement with participation in an old-fashioned support group. “When you’re in a face-to-face group, you may start laughing with people and finding new hobbies,” says Galst. “People can expand beyond the fertility issues in a way that may be less likely to happen solely with online support.”
Finally, make an effort to keep up with your friends and to pursue activities that offer a feeling of accomplishment regardless of your fertility status. This way, if you’re still trying to conceive a year from now, you’ll have moved forward with your life—deepening your friendships, improving your tennis—rather than having squandered a huge chunk of time online.
There’s a supportive, caring community of women at ConceiveOnline. Join them at myconceive.com.
A version of this article originally appeared in the Fall 2009 issue of Conceive Magazine.
Related Topics: Coping with Miscarriage, Fertility Tips, Infertility, Infertility Stress, Infertility Support
