Waiting is a normal part of life, but somehow when you’re waiting to get pregnant—or to adopt—it can become unbearable. Here are some ways to cope.
The Bible talks about “…a time to sow, a time to reap…” (Var. Ecclesiastes 3:2), but between the sowing and the reaping, there is waiting. Although it’s never specifically mentioned in this familiar passage, the waiting needs no words. Everyone understands that seeds need time to grow and produce fruit; without the waiting there would be no reaping.
Waiting is also an inevitable part of “growing” a family. Even in the best of circumstances—a quick, natural conception—there’s a wait of nine months for a baby to be born. But often there are many months where conception doesn’t take place. And, of course, when fertility treatments are needed, much waiting is involved. For those who choose to adopt, waiting is an inevitable part of that process, too.
But today we seem to have forgotten the value of waiting. We treat waiting as an inconvenient nuisance, blocking our path from here to there. “I can’t afford to waste time!” we tell ourselves, as if waiting was a personal affront to our busy schedules. The natural process of waiting has been replaced by the need for instant gratification, as with fast food and text messaging.
There are some things, however, that resist our urge for speed, and these natural, slow processes should make us consider the value of waiting. There’s no shortcut to intimacy, for instance, whether it’s intimacy with your partner or your closest friends. We mark anniversaries and birthdays in terms of years, celebrating the slow ripening that can only occur over a period of time.
Every milestone, every accomplishment, from our high school graduation to our wedding day, has included the anticipation of waiting for the “big day.” And this waiting time allows us to savor the journey, as life miraculously transforms itself from what was, to what will be.
Waiting For A Child
Perhaps nowhere is the fruit of waiting more beautifully depicted than in the birth of a child. As you prepare to conceive or adopt, the lessons of waiting are powerful and creative. Waiting allows you the time to “try on” the life you’re envisioning, and to anticipate it with joy.
But while ideally these natural waiting times should be filled with joyous anticipation, too often they’re filled with fear, particularly if the outcome is in doubt. When you’re trying to conceive, the “two-week wait,” prior to discovering the results of a pregnancy test–or whether an IVF procedure has been successful–can seem like an eternity. In much the same way, the time preceding an adoption placement can be wracked with anxious uncertainty.
When waiting is stressful, telling yourself not to think about it is futile. The issue isn’t “if” you’ll think of it, but “how” to do it.
Waiting Wisdom
If you imagine that you will get pregnant right away, you may be in for a disappointment. When unrealistic expectations are left unchecked, it may not take long for the “what’s wrong with me (or my spouse or my situation)?” tape to start rolling.
Start off by knowing the facts. Conception takes an average of eight months to occur, even under optimum circumstances. Success rates for fertility treatments vary, so be sure to discuss your situation with your doctor. When timelines are vague, you and your partner may have to create your own schedule, so that you can put parameters on the limits of your waiting.
Prospective adoptive parents are often called “waiting parents,” perhaps signifying the inevitability of the wait. But here again, it’s important to get complete information, as much of your wait will depend on the type and circumstances of the adoption.
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