As a part of the grieving process, you may also want to consider creating a personal ceremony. This was profoundly healing for my clients Christina and Larry, who, after seemingly endless months of unsuccessful fertility treatment, were able to acknowledge that they’d come to the end of that road. To rekindle their spirits, and their relationship, they chose to go on a short cruise, bringing with them two perfect white stones. On their first morning they awakened early, wrote on the stones the names of the boy and girl they had hoped to have, and then, together, tossed the stones into the sea. Another couple I know wrote letters to the child they had hoped to have together, and read them to one another.
In finding a meaningful way to close this chapter of your life, you, too, can pave the way to explore other avenues to build your family. As Christina and Larry related, that morning will always have a special place in their hearts, because even though they said goodbye to one dream, they also recognize the ceremony as the beginning of the wonderful life they now share with their daughter, Lisa, three years old, who they adopted.
Occasionally I’ll work with a couple who wants to simultaneously pursue both fertility treatment and adoption. If you’re considering this route, I urge you to proceed with caution. The demands of both routes are quite stressful, and each carries with it real risks of loss and disappointment. Attempting to manage both at once may well leave you exhausted.
Take the time to examine your motives to adopt. Are you really ready, or are you still holding on to the hope of a biological child? Are you pursuing adoption “just in case,” as a way to cushion or avoid your grief? In addition, it’s important to be mindful of the unexpected. One client discovered she was pregnant at the same time her gestational carrier was carrying her child. Another discovered she was pregnant soon after she had privately adopted. If you find that you are uncertain about how to move forward, take a break from everything for a month or two. In laying the emotional groundwork for this process, you’ll ensure that the choices you make are right for you.
Try It On
When you feel as though you’ve moved beyond the goal of biological parenthood, you’re ready to explore the opportunities adoption offers. There’s a lot to discover in this new world, so make a commitment with your spouse to gather information. Find out what adoption avenues are available to you, and what realistically fits your time frame, personal preferences, and financial resources. In addition, spend time doing some soul searching on your own. What are your dreams about parenting a child? Is your heart set on an infant, or would you perhaps be interested in welcoming an older child into your home? Are you comfortable with open adoption? With adopting a child from overseas? With adopting a child from a different race and culture?
Do you have any lingering concerns? For instance, are you afraid you won’t be able to love a child that is not biologically linked to you? Do you fear that the birth parents will try to reclaim your child after you’ve become a family? These fears are common, despite the fact that they’re largely unfounded, but you and your partner still need to talk about them. Set aside an hour a couple of times a week to talk about what you discover.
What if you’ve done your homework and have your heart set on adoption, but your spouse is still struggling with the decision? My client Melissa felt frustrated when this happened, afraid that her dream of a family was in jeopardy. Realizing they had hit a roadblock, her husband, Rob, decided to join her in counseling. What they learned was that, even though it was important for them to express their needs and feelings, it was equally as important to listen. In particular, Melissa came to realize that Rob had his own personal journey with infertility, from which he still needed to heal. As Melissa learned to be patient, rather than push her agenda, Rob was able to come to his own place of acceptance and openness. In addition, both Rob and Melissa found that broadening their social circle and talking to others who had adopted provided them with invaluable guidance.
And here’s where our inherent link to others comes full circle once again. When you’re finally ready to take this wondrous step, there’s no better way than with the help and support of other adoptive parents. Formal organizations such as the Adoptive Families of America and Resolve have local chapters, and can provide the latest in adoption information. Other good resources are adoptive parent support groups, which sponsor adoption information conferences in many cities.
This article originally appeared in the Fall 2006 issue of Conceive Magazine.
Related Topics: Adoption
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