No matter where you are in your journey to parenthood, holidays can be a time of great joy, but also great stress. We asked three expert counselors who work with women who are trying to conceive to share their best tips for getting through the holidays happy and stress-free.
Kathy Fountain, a licensed mental health counselor with the Tampa Mind-Body Program for Infertility in Florida.
--As the holiday season heats up, don’t lose sight of your relationship. Make a point to plan a date once a week with your husband or partner, with fun as the goal, and avoid talking about your attempts to conceive during this time. The time will help you reconnect at an intimate level.
--Get spiritual. Your religious or spiritual beliefs can provide great support during the chaos of the holidays. Many people rely on prayer to lift their spirits, but try a different twist on a time-honored tradition. Instead of praying for yourself, each night say a tiny prayer for your husband or partner. Make it something you know will make their life a little easier, and keep this to yourself. Then notice how much more loving you feel toward them!
--The best New Year’s resolution of all: Find a moment of joy in every day. Be mindful of moments when you actually notice a sunset, a snatch of beautiful music, or a kind word from a friend. Being mindful increases the joy of everyday things, and new research shows this “inner awareness” actually induces changes in the brain.
Andrea Mechanick Braverman, Ph.D., director of complementary alternative medicine at Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey in Morristown.
--If the child-centered talk at family gatherings fills you with dread this year, spend some time before each event thinking of conversation topics that aren’t related. Talk about what’s happening in the news. It’s not a cliché to ask people if they’ve read any good books or seen any good movies lately. Even parents can get tired of events always being centered on their children, and often welcome the opportunity for adult conversation.
--Don’t forget to be thankful. No matter where you are in your journey to have a child, be very conscious and aware of what you have, and not just what you don’t have. Celebrate the relationships in your life—your partner, your friends, your family.
--Even if you say “no” to most of the invitations that you want to avoid, it’s inevitable that you’ll find yourself attending at least one party you’d rather not be at. You can try to arrive later or leave early to minimize your time there. Have a signal system with your partner for when you’ve had enough. And while you’re there, escape to the bathroom with a magazine and give yourself five minutes to turn things off if you have to.
--Create new traditions. If old traditions make you think too much about family this year, create some new ones to counterbalance what you feel you don’t have. Try to come up with something that will become a tradition for you whether you conceive next month. . . or next year. Some suggestions: Cooking a special meal just for you and your partner, making reservations at a fancy restaurant for the two of you, crafting your own tree ornament or holiday decoration.
--Resolve to make a different kind of New Year’s resolution. Instead of the usual vows to lose weight, exercise more, eat better . . .. etc., think outside the resolution box. Resolve to take time out to enjoy things—to stop and smell the roses every day. Try to identify the things you enjoy, and think about why you aren’t doing them on a daily basis.
--Another New Year’s resolutions suggestion: Resolve to have realistic expectations for yourself during the coming year. If you need to worry, give yourself time for that. . . and then give yourself time off. Don’t let your worries have center stage all the time.
Marino Lombardo, LCSW, PA, psycotherapist and personal coach in the Orlando, Florida, area, and co-author of I Am More than My Infertility
--Don’t be surprised or confused by your mixed emotions during the holiday season. When you’re wishing for a baby and imagining joyous family celebrations with a child, you may feel particularly disappointed with the present, and find yourself feeling sad, angry, or bitter. Acknowledge these feelings and have patience with yourself. Set aside time every day to be present to those feelings, breathe into them, use a journal to express them.
--Sometimes volunteering your time to others—whether it’s feeding the homeless or visiting a forgotten soul in a nursing home—can be the best way to give to yourself. These experiences can touch your heart in unexpected ways. There’s just something about helping other people that opens the door to positive experiences. . . and a new appreciation for what you have.
--Get out of town! If you’re feeling stressed out from trying to conceive for a while, consider taking a break and perhaps getting away for the holiday. Vacationing in a big city, on a sandy beach, or at a ski resort are wonderful ways to celebrate your relationship and restore your body and your spirit.
--Just say “no” . . . to invitations that upset you. It’s an invitation, not a subpoena! “Be selective about the gatherings you plan to attend, and avoid situations that you imagine will be too much for you right now, like those with young families. Practice saying ‘no.’”
